Shaolin Temple

Saturday, Nov. 21

So ever since David Carradine did the show "Kung Fu," I wanted to visit the Shaolin Temple. I wanted to lift boiling pots with my forarms and snatch pebbles from blind monks' hands. Shaolin began Zen Buddhism and its Kung Fu is the grandfather of all martial arts.

I was surprised to find that it rests in a valley of Song Mountain, not at the peak. There are about 300 monks who live there and they can choose to learn Kung Fu or not. But seriously, who would choose to join the Shaolin Temple, of all the dozens of local monestaries - the one with the longest and most famous history of fighting styles, and then say "No thank you, Kung Fu isn't really my thing"?! Apparently the current abbot! The abbots are only selected from monks devoted to Shaolin. Monks from other monasteries would be rejected for that particular job. So this guy spent his entire monastic career at the Shaolin Temple and never took a Kung Fu lesson!

That's just about the saddest thing I've ever heard. If I were the abbot admitting him for the first time, the conversation might go something like this:

Raesh: ...and this will be your dorm. Kung Fu lessons start promptly at oh-six hundred, right after morning meditation.
Future Abbot: I don't really want to do that.
Raesh: I'm sorry; are you ill?
Future Abbot: No, I just am not all that interested in Kung Fu. Maybe I could sweep the courtyard or something.
R: You want to sweep?
FA: Sure! Or maybe I could cook while you guys are working out.
R: Cook...? Son, you realize this is the SHAOLIN temple, right? Here at the Shaolin Temple we kick ass. Not only was the phase "ass kicking" coined here, we stardardized and developed metrics to evaluate the severity of delivered ass kickings. And you're here to sweep and cook?
FA: Yes sir.
R: Some advice for you, son. Pack up your apron and make-up bag and go to the temple monestery at other side of the mountain. I hear they founded Jazzercise there.

After you enter the front gate, there are all these stele telling the history of the temple and its monks. Interspersed among them are Ginko trees (of Ginko Biloba fame) with all these divots in them.


These divots were made in a simple 4 step process:

1) Make a gun with your hand like you did as a child
2) Shoot the "gun" leaving your thumb down
3) Extend your middle finger directly under your pointer
4) Jam your fingers as hard as you can into a Ginko tree over and over again until you make a divot

Yeah, I know! Crazy. Of course I did it. Once. Instead of deepening an existing hole, I decided to start my own. I'm pretty impressed with myself that I broke off a piece of bark and my finger stopped hurting after only 10 minutes. My son wussed out. He wouldn't even stick his finger in a pre-made hole to pretend for a picture.

Did you know that the official snack vending partner of the Shaolin Temple is "Youcky Food Co, LTD"? True story.